Dukkha isn't just suffering; it's the human condition. In relationships, careers, and life itself, it's that nagging stress and unease. Embrace it. By understanding and accepting dukkha, we find wisdom and resilience. It's not about escaping discomfort but learning to be with it and grow from it.
From This Messy, Gorgeous Love: A Buddhist Guide to Lasting Partnership by devon + nico hase. Copyright © 2026 by the authors, and reprinted with permission of St. Martin's Publishing Group. Pre-order the book here.
The Dukkha of Relationships
Buddhist wisdom starts with the principle of dukkha. Dukkha is an old Buddhist word that often gets translated as "suffering," but that's a shame because it means so much more. In fact, there is no single English word that captures the full range of meanings of dukkha. "Stress" comes close. "Unreliability" isn't bad. And "suffering" points to something important too. But its true meaning is deeper, richer.
Dukkha is a signifier that seeks to capture everything from that underlying sense you get that something's not quite right in your life, to the fear you feel when things are going great but you know they're bound to change, all the way up to and through really horrible experiences, like excruciating physical pain, violence, and systemic oppression. All of that is dukkha. Basically any sense of stress, uneasiness, dissatisfaction, or pain? That's dukkha.
And the Buddha famously taught that a whole lot of what we experience in life is dukkha.
Some people might take this as bad news. It runs contrary to the sunny optimism of consumer consciousness and our shrill insistence that things are always getting better. [...]
Now consider the relief that comes from letting all that go—simply admitting that being human is pretty hard sometimes.
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To have a human heart is to have dukkha too. To love is to lose. To be in relationship is to confront disappointment, irritation, and sometimes blind rage. Not to mention infidelity, betrayal, or emotional and physical harm. Even those of us born into the most privilege cannot avoid these truths. Nobody is exempt. Even the most benign and loving relationship will eventually come to an end. The more I deepen into this truth, the steadier I become. I understand that, even in the best of circumstances, there can be an undertow of fear, uncontrollability, and dissatisfaction. And paradoxically, when we really embrace this reality, we can relax into things just as they are.
Turning Toward Dukkha
[...] You can't make dukkha go away. Stress, discontent, discomfort, and irritations are a part of life. They're part of partnership. Part of parenting. Part of a career. Part of having a human body. Like it or not, dukkha is baked in. A feature, not a bug. And if you try to sidestep or get away from dukkha, the unpleasant irony is that you'll end up further mired in the dukkha you're trying to run from.
Thankfully, there is another way: We can understand dukkha. Buddhist monk Ajahn Sucitto says, "You have to stand under your dukkha to understand your dukkha." Maybe "stand under" is still too removed; sometimes it feels like you're sitting in a simmering hot tub of dukkha. But once you get used to it, you can learn to stay with what's difficult or painful and draw the marrow of the lesson out of it. It's not easy, not at all. But it's ennobling. It makes you wise and openhearted, a true resource for yourself and others.
